The Duality of Military Service

Written by: Coach Jason "J" Hughes

I have several goals in publishing this article.  First, I want to recognize and give a voice to those that may not know how to put into words how they feel. I want to let those veterans know that they aren’t crazy and they aren’t alone. Second, I want to steward the profession. One of the last orders I was given by my leadership prior to my retirement was to “Steward the Profession of Arms”. Stewardship is care taking. This is my contribution on this Veteran’s Day. Finally, I want to bring awareness and in a small way help bridge the civilian/military divide by bringing light to the struggle that many Veterans feel and why some Veterans may cover up, deny, down play, dismiss, or want to distance themselves from their time in the military while simultaneously having a myriad of positive feelings about their time in the military.

Setting the Stage

Serving in the military (as I have found out after I retired) is an extreme lifestyle choice when compared to the vast majority of career fields available to adult people. Military service often involves great amounts of responsibility at very young ages, high levels of risk and physical danger, extreme consequences for mistakes and failures both collective and individual, and wear and tear on your mind and body that in many ways far surpasses that of professional athletes and largely without the holistic wellness structure that professional sports teams have at their disposal. Additionally, the military has an extremely competitive promotion system that largely demands near perfection and complete adherence to established organizational standards. Service members routinely walk off injuries to do their jobs out of mission focus, pride, commitment, and to remain competitive with their peers in promotion cycles. Then there is combat. Combat or other types of trauma producing events such as MST (military sexual trauma) without a doubt complicates and layers one’s individual feelings about their service. The split-second decision you made in a war that the media deemed as “America lost” that resulted in someone’s son or daughter being killed in action. The regret for dedicating your own life to a cause that some believe failed (winning the war). The regret for joining an organization looking to serve only to be brutally sexually assaulted by a member of your own unit or maybe a training accident that caused a friend to die. Now mirror this with feelings of deep accomplishment, strong lifelong bonds with people you served with, exhilarating highs of jumping out of airplanes, shooting awesome weapons, doing things that they make movies about, and contributing to our defense, foreign policy, and our nation’s story.  For many veterans, their military service is the defining chapter of their lives. We can debate the wisdom of that all day long but, it’s important for you to accept that many veterans have this view. Meaning, you will encounter this quite a bit. The same could be said about many we’ll say titles or professions that are generally respected by our society.

The Duality

Like many things in life, you can feel both good and bad about anything at the same time. What makes this different is the extreme nature of the feelings. The feelings  really couldn’t be any more polar.  Here are a few examples:

1.    “I can’t believe they pay me to blow stuff up and jump out of airplanes…. Awesome”. The young service member then looks at all his friends in college on social media and thinks “man, I’m missing out on what everyone else is doing. They are all having the time of their lives. Am I wasting my time with this? Seems like I’m working hard for everyone else to have a good time.”

2.    “My wartime experiences and training made me into the person I am today. I was well led, I made so many awesome friends, and I did something important.” Mixed with “I contributed to a cause that didn’t matter by my people and my government.”

3.    “The worst unit I ever served in was better than any civilian company I’ve ever worked for.” And then feeling “I was largely set up for failure exiting the military. My skills did not net me a job in the real world and now I’m starting over while I struggle to pay my bills.”

4.    “I accomplished so much in my career, what a ride! I can’t imagine doing it any other way.” Combined with “There's rarely a day that goes by that I don’t want that day and that decision back. Had I just done _____ he/she would not have died. It’s all my fault.”

What you can do:

For the veterans that read this. You can feel however you chose and you shouldn’t suppress that but continue to investigate why you feel the way you feel. It’s important to find community in members of the units you served in and talk frequently. It’s important to work through these feelings and come to accept the military as a chapter in your life. Your starting point to work through these things may be your place of religious worship, your VA clinic, or your veteran friends. It’s important to physically meet up with your veteran friends. You can only do so much through memes and texts. Time also helps you process and see things from alternate views. Be patient with yourself and be honest about what you are going through. You can do nothing, or you can take action. Go do something about it and you will improve your result.

For the awesome people that took the time to read this and support our veterans. Thank you. Consider how you can relate to this. Do you have dualities and regrets in your life? How do you feel about those? I often get asked by folks what veterans want on veterans’ day. I’ll speak for myself but, I think it’s largely representative of how veterans feel: Go have fun and enjoy your freedoms and in your way show your gratitude and there are endless ways to do that and no, you don’t have to buy someone lunch. For my money, there are two ways to show gratitude: you pass by that now older gentleman in his 70s or 80s or 90s with a Vietnam veteran or Korea veteran hat or maybe a younger veteran. Perhaps it’s a veteran still serving or maybe it’s that female veteran that no one knows served. Take the time to sit down and ask them about their story. Think of a couple of thoughtful questions and just listen to their answers. Most will tell you all about it. Absolutely DO NOT do this from a place of pity. You need to be genuine and come from a place of respect and care. The second thing you can do is teach your children about military service and why our veterans are special people that by nature of sacrifice are worthy of our respect.

Happy Veteran’s Day to all of you who sacrificed in ways people cannot fathom for this nation.

Jason Hughes

256-824-9445

jason@theveteran.coach

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